Category: Scapegoating

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So Not Normal

It would be funny, if it were not so sad, to reflect on the fact that my siblings have — through their actions, as well as their inaction — proven me to be right about all this shit.  Inadvertently, I’m sure, but they have.

If you think about what might have happened instead, in a normal, healthy, functional family, it’s obvious.

Just for starters, take how this all started — or rather, the crisis that precipitated me figuring out what was really going on in this dysfunctional collection of siblings:

Upon finding out that I was upset about the disrespectful way Susan acted towards me when my/our dad died — specifically, her ignoring my reasonable request that, if she and the hospice nurse were going to continue their casual, shop-talk, LAUGHING conversation, could they please do it in a room other than the one with his still-warm body shoved in the corner? — well, the normal thing to do at that point would have been for Susan to apologize — and, in the event that she resisted doing so, for my siblings, especially Joe, to make sure that happened.

The hospice nurse did apologize.  She wrote me a sincere, heartfelt card.  This is the appropriate level of contact for someone who is virtually a stranger.  It’s simple, basic politeness.

Susan also wrote me a card.  That in itself is telling.  She didn’t talk to me the next day, nor did Joe (they yelled AT me, but they sure as hell didn’t talk, let alone LISTEN).  Nor did they call me later.  There were emails between Joe and me (and probably shared beyond that, without my knowledge, but that’s just par-for-the-course disrespect for me, hardly worth mentioning) — but as for Susan and me, we’ve actually never talked about it.

I assume that is because it would be far harder to avoid apologizing in an actual conversation than in a very carefully written piece of bullshit that attempted to pretend that she didn’t know how upset I was, and to share the blame for the incident equally, claiming that I didn’t know how upset SHE was.

Well, no, I didn’t.  That’s because 1) she had only known him a few years, as opposed to her whole entire life; and 2) SHE WAS LAUGHING.

The next abnormal thing that would not have happened in a normal family was everyone blaming me for being upset about it.  Because what she did was SO FUCKING EGREGIOUSLY AWFUL THOUGHTLESS RUDE BEHAVIOR that it’s kind of insane that anyone can say that Susan’s behavior was fine, and mine was not:  for politely asking her to leave the room, which she and Joe graciously agreed that night to “overlook”, bless them — and for the apparently truly unforgivable sin of bringing it up the next day, just to Joe — not knowing that Susan was around the corner, and came into the room like a screaming banshee.

This isn’t even taking into account that she was clearly not invited to be part of that conversation, and she should have not have been eavesdropping, nor should she have butted in, even if she overheard accidentally.  The adult, respectful thing to do would have been to go away, where she could not overhear, and let Joe and me talk.

Or just possibly, apologize for eavesdropping, acknowledge that I was clearly still upset by her behavior the night before, apologize for that, and then either go away, or join the conversation if invited to do so.

Or for Joe to tell her to please leave the room, or for him to drag me and our conversation outside or elsewhere in order to have some privacy, or… the point is made, the possibilities are numerous.  And none of them happened.

Because it was ME confronting JOE — like we were equals, can you imagine the NERVE! — it became okay, probably imperative, for her to attack me for it.  Screaming inches from my face, just hours after my father died.  This was not only allowed to happen, in front of my brother — he joined in.  Until, with my husband, I finally fled the house.

To my knowledge, no one has ever held her or them accountable for that bullshit behavior, either.

The next normal thing that should have happened is that when my oldest brother tried to talk to me about what happened, he should probably have figured out that he was getting an earful of only one side of the story — because he started telling me how I should have approached that next-day discussion (I should have approached Joe on his own) and I remember yelling at him THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I DID.

But beyond that, what I realized later was that he was only “listening” to me because he was desperately looking for a way to interpret my actions in a way that would allow him to BLAME ME, in order to avoid holding Susan responsible, and by extension, Joe.

And this was really, really difficult, because my actions were in fact not the issue, and again, it’s pretty insane for anyone to try to justify what Susan did.  Hell, the best even Susan herself could do was to imply the blame should be equal.

But, this is classic behavior for a dysfunctional family with a handy scapegoat.  Find a way to blame them, and it doesn’t actually have to make sense.

Another normal thing that might have happened, but didn’t:  the secondary black sheep brother once told me that he too was upset and annoyed at Susan’s behavior that night, and he was almost ready to speak up himself, but I beat him to the punch.  He could have spoken up as well, and backed me up, that night.  That would have been normal.

But he decided to stay silent, at that point and apparently forever after, rather than voice his agreement with me.  In all the ugly aftermath, he just let me take the fall.

Such is the very strong taboo against sticking up for me, in this collection of wounded, dysfunctional siblings.

More normal family behavior:  if, at any time over the past dozen years, any sibling, or even in-law, had felt sorrow over my estrangement from them, they could have expressed it as such.  They could have called or emailed or texted or sent a card that said they missed me.  That they were sorry about all that had happened when Dad died.  That they would like to talk, or even more appropriately, listen.  That they were willing to start over, as adults, and try to build a new relationship, on whatever terms I could accept.

Needless to say, the calls, texts, emails, and cards that I did receive were not of this nature.

I ended up blocking just about every mode of communication I could — which of course was seen not as a failure of theirs to meet my relatively basic conditions to have a relationship with them, not as their refusal to treat me at least as well as they would treat a stranger — but as proof that I was unreasonably rejecting them.

As has been stated before, I was not rejecting them — I was rejecting the way they treated me.  I was always willing to have a relationship with anyone who had the guts to reach out in an adult, respectful, honest way.

No one ever tried that.  Maybe once or twice, early on, but the one person I can think of who did, probably got pressured into quitting that radical behavior in order to be allowed to fully join the club.

They will claim, as an excuse, that I “told them not to contact me”.  Which is, technically, true, but only as far as it goes.  What is more accurate — the whole truth — is that I told them not to contact me unless they were willing to treat me differently.  With respect, as an equal.  And clearly, they aren’t.

Another abnormal thing that happened was that my sister FORBADE ANYONE IN HER FAMILY TO DO THAT, and possibly that prohibition extends to all the siblings.  I realized that when her husband tried to meet with us once, but he said it would have to be in another city because he couldn’t fly to our location, and I realized this was because my sister must have actively forbidden any contact with us.

I appreciated his willingness to try to resolve things between us, but unfortunately I believe he was hoping to work with the reasonable person, because of the impossibility of working with the unreasonable one.

The last abnormal thing I’m going to write about — far from the last one that’s happened — is that when the news of my diagnosis of terminal, stage IV triple negative breast cancer reached them, it might well have caused some people to re-evaluate their actions and inaction and reactions, what they’ve done, how they think about me, what they blame me for, and maybe try to make amends before it’s too late — but that’s clearly not the case, either.

Word has gotten back to me that my sister’s response to the news of my TERMINAL CANCER DIAGNOSIS was something like,

“That’s HER problem.  She ruined my senior year.”

OF HIGH SCHOOL.

Pathologically, not to say pathetically, abnormal.

And I hate to break it to you, sis, but you’re wrong.

It’s Mom & Dad who did that — not me.  They failed you — not me.

Hope you’re happy having lived your whole life taking all that out on me.

I know I’m not.  And I know that doesn’t bother you in the slightest, good Catholic girl though you are, or pretend to be.

I didn’t deserve that.  None of us deserved the trauma and dysfunction we got, but boy, you really put your heart into punishing me for it all.

If only she had gotten some therapy after that stressful year…
If only she had been able to vent her rage and frustration appropriately…

But the damage is done.

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Black Sheep

Almost a perfect, 1-minute summation. The only thing that doesn’t fit is that I was never the “peacemaker”.  Also, fortunately or unfortunately, I didn’t “break the pattern” except for myself.  Future generations of this “family” will have to do that for themselves.

The black sheep of the family has felt alone or misunderstood their entire lives.

They can also see dysfunction most clearly and want to heal from the past.

They’re curious, sensitive, and willing to self reflect which makes them stand out from other family members.

The black sheep becomes the scapegoat of the family.  Family members project their unwanted traits, or the issues of the family onto the black sheep. This allows them to blame the toxic dynamics on one person, and avoid looking at the true deeper issues within themselves.

Sometimes, the black sheep plays the peacemaker role. They’re expected to step in and “fix” family issues, even if those issues don’t directly involve them.

Some black sheep know from a young age that the adults in their homes can’t be trusted and begin taking care of themselves.

Many black sheep are “deep feelers” who are curious and open. This is a stark contrast to other family members who are emotionally shut down, rigid, black and white thinkers.

As the years go on, the black sheep feels the deep rage, regret, and disappointment within the family unit. They live within the chaos until they go out onto their own.

The black sheep tend to be extremely interesting, engaged, creative people who have been stifled as children. Their humor, independence, and sensitive nature can allow them to thrive as adults.

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My Sister’s Revenge — But For What?

Why is it that my sister hates me so much?  For over 50 years, she has resented the fact that I even exist.  Talk about a champion grudge-holder.  I’m told my FOO considers me to be pretty good at it (projection much?) but I’m no match for this woman.

For starters, she doesn’t really know me at all — she and I only lived together for about a year, my first year.  When she left for college in Chicago, she practically never came home again that I can remember, except for a few holidays.  So it’s not likely that we had a difficult history, or clash of personalities.  If I somehow did something to annoy her, well, I would have been less than 5 years old at the time.

Later, it became clear to me that her dislike of me was well-established by the time I was college age.  She and I rarely conversed, almost never wrote letters (I can think of exactly one of mine that she answered) and it was my husband who noted that she has to this day never once called me on the phone.

If she blames me for the whole stressful, traumatic year after I was born, I had zero to do with that, either.  Bad things happened, but it’s not like I had any agency in them.  Blame the adults!  Blame our parents!  Blame Mom for not having the hysterectomy, blame Dad for wanting sex, blame them both for not using birth control, blame Mom for failing to “accept children lovingly from God”, blame whoever for not hiring someone to take care of the younger kids — but for the love of Christ, don’t blame an innocent, helpless baby.

Blaming a baby for being born, and wrecking a family because of that, is truly vile, not to mention unhinged.  I can understand our mentally ill mother doing that, because she couldn’t do any better — but my genius sister can and ought to do better than that.

Did I ruin “her” place as the only girl?

Or did I become Daddy’s favorite, a spot she secretly coveted?

Was she mad that I got the red hair?

All of those ideas just seem so freaking petty — probably because they ARE petty.

I can think of only two things that are “big enough”, that she might “reasonably” hold against me (“reasonable” in this case meaning by the standards of this dysfunctional FOO):

1) Holding me responsible for “what I did to Mom” by being born — in other words, because my birth pushed Mom over the cliff into full-blown post-partum depression — which becomes “I caused Mom’s mental illness”, and by extension the Divorce.

This might also include guilt at her not being able to “save” Mom — she was no longer able to cover up for Mom’s dysfunction, because not only did it get a lot worse after my birth, but now Dad was also home all the time, and then she left for college.

If I hadn’t been born, Mom wouldn’t have lost her marbles, Dad wouldn’t have been told things by Mom’s psychologist (“she hates your guts”), and my sister could have headed off to college with a clear conscience.

(I was told that Mom stood at the door and watched her leave, possibly crying, but as I recall it was described as Mom was feeling sorry for herself and the loss of her indentured servant, rather than that she was going to miss her older daughter.)

I feel like this is a fairly long chain of “logic” though, and it’s just not quite simple enough to drive a lifetime of irrational hatred.  Which is why I lean towards something a little more specific:

2) Holding me responsible for her suicide attempt, and the blot on her otherwise pristine, holier-than-thou-by-a-long-shot soul.  Suicide is a mortal sin, and I can easily imagine that my sister would be seriously pissed (not to mention terrified) about having one of those on her record.

Blame-shifting would be instant psychological relief.  I made her do it, simple as that, not her fault at all.

Next, cue a lifetime of cultivating an “I’m a better Catholic than you’ll ever be” reputation beyond reproach, as insurance — a way to tell yourself that YOU couldn’t really have done that awful, sinful thing… unless, of course, some other EVEN MORE AWFUL PERSON (baby!!) MADE YOU DO IT.

If this were to be true, it’s one of the saddest things ever.  Not only did she not get any help for this that I ever heard of — it would have probably been viewed with Old-Testament judginess, rather than New-Testament love & concern.  Did no one stop to think for a minute that hey, if someone actually tried suicide — maybe things are REALLY REALLY BAD??  Maybe the adults involved are making terrible decisions under stress?

But probably the stigma of mental health issues — first Mom’s and then my sister’s — kept everything under wraps and within the family as much as possible.

It’s admittedly a lot of conjecture — but whatever it really was that my sister unfairly blames on me, effectively wrecked my family for me.  I was always wrong, always the scapegoat, never in the club.  My other siblings, and presumably her children, followed her lead.

I wish I could not care, as she does.  But there’s some people I still miss.

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Recently, I’ve been knitting a gift for a neighbor whose 70th birthday is next week.  The surprise party was last night, but the knitting project wasn’t complete.

As any knitter (or crocheter) knows, this happens A LOT.

Many a well-intended holiday gift has been wrapped up, unfinished, and put under the tree.  Many a baby garment has been outgrown before completion.  I once taught a knitting group that included Marlene, a far more experienced and productive knitter than me, who was working on finishing a sweater for her husband that had been started over 20 years previously.

While I am a fast knitter, I’ve made it a personal rule to avoid working to a deadline whenever possible.  But this time I made an exception — although I knew there was a good chance I wouldn’t get it done in time for the party.

And boy, did this failure to meet the deadline stir up some shit memories.

For a while I couldn’t figure out why I was upset about not getting it done on time, when I had gone into it knowing that was at least a 50-50 chance.  And then — I remembered.

So let’s back up a little over 40 years, to the holiday season of 1981.

I would have been 12.

My sister would have been 29.

My sister had seen a pattern for a crocheted sparkly gold evening jacket in a Woman’s Day magazine, dated 12/22/81.  So the magazine probably went on sale around Thanksgiving, a month ahead of the cover date.

My sister knit, but didn’t crochet.  My mother did neither.  But I did know how to crochet.

And between them, the idea was cooked up that my sister would pay for the yarn, and I would crochet this jacket for her, in time for New Year’s Eve.

I think I was asked if I would do it (yes of course I’ll try to please my mother & my sister) and could I get it done in time?

I had only been crocheting for maybe 4 years or so at that point.  To the best of my recollection, I had not done anything like a garment before, except maybe for a Barbie doll.  I do know that in my 40+ year library of binders containing notes, yarn samples, and patterns for pretty much every garment I’ve ever knitted or crocheted — this is the very first item.

Everyone else involved in cooking up this project for me had to know it would have been a tight deadline for anyone, let alone a kid.

How the hell would I have known?

And as I recall, it was going to be my mom’s responsibility to make sure I got it done on time.

Anyone who knew our mother at that time, knows she was never on time for anything.  Getting her on a plane to Chicago every year for the holidays was a complete train wreck.  Finishing Halloween costumes was often down to the wire.  Sewing formal dresses in time for special occasions was always a last-minute rush.  The suit my mother wore to my wedding?  *I*, the goddamned BRIDE,  had to first shop for it, then mail her a selection of 2 or 3 suits, then return the ones she didn’t want — and finally, hem it for her the night before my wedding.  (There were at least 3 other women on hand who could have hemmed the dress, probably better than I:  my sister, my sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law.  Not one of them did, of course.  Not for me.)

Back to the evening jacket:  as anyone could have predicted, I didn’t get the thing done in time for New Year’s Eve.  I believe I did finish it at some point, and it got sent off, I suppose.  I have no idea if it fit; I don’t know if I even knew what gauge was.

What I do remember was that the failure, my sister’s disappointment and her anger, were all my fault.

Certainly not my mother’s fault!  Nor my sister’s, who apparently saw in me a way to get something that she wanted, and was mad at me when I didn’t deliver.

Blame & shame the 12YO, who got set up by two adults.

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Black and Happy

A friend sent me this link today saying, “Found this and thought of you.”  What a compliment!

Only five minutes (on 1.75x speed), which I will bet serious money that anyone with the name of this blog won’t actually be able to sit through.

This one is also very validating, at least until he starts talking about the “spiritual” aspect and the karma of past lives… oh, well.

notes from this blog:

Ideally, we should be able to renegotiate our relationships with family as we become adults. (This doesn’t apply if there are abusive or dangerous factors involved. We’re not obligated to negotiate with people who have harmed us.) I know very few people who have been able to do this successfully.

What tends to happen instead, is one of two things:

  1. People stay enmeshed and kind of codependent on their family, even while still being treated as an outcast. In other words, they keep taking crap from them, waiting to be treated better. Or,

  2. They become increasingly withdrawn from their family, to the point where they start to dread holidays and family gatherings. They might rely on them in case of emergency [HAH!], but that’s about it.

and this one:

Dysfunctional families also tend to have black sheep. The black sheep is viewed as a scapegoat to bully and receive all the rage, aggression, frustration, emotional pain, and general negative feelings of the other family members. In dysfunctional families, being the black sheep often connects to being functional.

When these families “other” a family member, it’s essentially projection mixed with bullying. Dysfunctional family members feel better once they’ve released their negative energy onto another person, unwarranted. Making someone feel even worse than they do brings satisfaction. The truth about the black sheep is distorted to paint them in a negative light, and the black sheep is often ganged up upon. Many black sheep voluntarily leave situations like this — who wants the acceptance of these people, anyway?

 

I recently had cause to reflect that I’ve FINALLY gotten ALL of the garbage people out of my life:  mom, sister, SIL, MIL, to name the major ones.  Also arrogant brothers who think they know SO much better than me (and I’m talking about more than one of them)…

And what a great feeling that is!

 

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Miscellaneous Messages from the Universe

“Scapegoating in a dysfunctional family system is a type of (unconscious) blame-shifting in which the family displaces their own psychological difficulties and complexes onto a specific family member. This process of projection, shaming, and blaming serves to divert attention away from the rest of the family’s mental and emotional problems via casting the scapegoated family member into the role of ‘identified patient’ (Bateson, 1972)... Because the scapegoating ‘story’ often follows the child into adulthood and may continue even after a parent’s death (e.g., via a dominant sibling or extended family member) there may seem to be no way out other than to limit or end contact with one’s entire family-of-origin.“

“Those who are victimized multiple times are also frequently targeted due to their assets, not just their vulnerabilities.

“Predatory people are on the lookout for empathic, resilient people – those who can bounce back from abusive incidents so they can continue the abuse cycle – as well as people with resources to exploit. Narcissists especially search for “shiny” targets – those who are attractive, successful and look good on their arm, because it boosts their image. If you are such a type, it is common for them to prey on you. As Dr. George Simon notes, victims of predators “tend to be conscientious and accommodating types. So, their good nature is ripe for exploitation. Moreover, manipulators play on your sensibilities, and often, your conscience.”

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Familiar Ground

The impeachment hearings continue the theme of politics reminding me of my FOO situation.

Calling out what is clearly bad behavior on the part of a Member of the Club results in yelling, lies, spin, misdirection — anything to defend the indefensible.  To shift blame from the person who did the bad behavior to the person who called it out, because that’s much easier and more comfortable than confronting the real problem.

Nothing makes that more clear than the R’s rabid desire to out the whistleblower.  In their minds, THAT is where the problem occurred. No one’s sorry for anything wrong that was done.  They’re just mad that it got caught, that someone had the NERVE to pass negative judgement on the Charismatic Leader.

And, it’s clear that the conservatives won’t listen to any kind of reason or logic.  They won’t be swayed by facts or evidence.  They will persist in believing that “their guy” is being persecuted, rather than simply being held to account. They will yell and wave their stupid signs and perform all kinds of hysterical theatrics, rather than admit one simple thing:  THEY WERE WRONG.

All that is pretty damned familiar.

And whatever is driving the GOP to this extreme, toxic behavior clearly runs deep.  I assume it’s kompromat of some kind, but is it money laundering? human trafficking?  compromising sex?  Who knows?

In the case of my FOO, I think it’s a refusal to face the reality that the excuses and rationales they were taught for 30 years, and have clung to for 20 more, aren’t actually true.

“If only SHE hadn’t been born, none of this would have happened.”

That phrase, or something close to it, sums up how I think my sister in particular feels about me, and to a lesser extent the other two members of The Triumvirate.  “If only you hadn’t been born!”

It is where the thinking stops, and the anger takes over.

That phrase allows you to be mad as shit at the reality you are living, but it makes a serious error.  It allows you to throw all your (justified) anger and emotions and psychological garbage about what is going on, onto an easy target (not justified).  It’s a way to cope, but not a fair or healthy one.

But when all you know is how to blame — and the idea of blaming Mom, or god, or Dad (on whom they were suddenly entirely dependent, after having scapegoated him for so long) is too terrifying to contemplate — well, you gotta put it SOMEWHERE.  And a baby is a pretty safe place to put it, from your own selfish viewpoint.  No repercussions to yourself.

There might be some for the baby.

Unfortunately, the damage that is done by blame-shifting doesn’t come back to the blamer.  The blamer will just shift THAT blame, too.

And now you don’t have to think about how Mom was mentally ill.

(Actually I don’t understand the resistance to this idea AT ALL.  Mom being mentally ill explains a shit-ton of stuff that otherwise you have to jump through a lot of hoops to explain. To me, the idea is a relief, that finally everything makes sense.  It’s truly never made any sense to me to deny it.)

The reality is different.  Even if I had not been born, “it” still would have happened, in some form or fashion. Perhaps there would not have been a Divorce.  But damage would still have been done, just like Trump would have been impeached sooner or later — because our mother was not a healthy person, and toxic people keep on doing toxic things.

I spent the first few years of my life watching my parents yell at each other. It’s one of my earliest memories of them together.  Would it have been preferable to them if Dad and Mom had stayed together, angry and unhappy, forcing my two youngest brothers to grow up in that environment?

Because that’s some of the damage that happened, until The Divorce.

Of course, by that time, the Triumvirate were all escaping out of the house to go to college, so what happened at home wasn’t of too much concern to them.  And that’s fair enough.  What college freshman should be involved in their parents’ marital problems?

But there were still a couple of little kids left in that toxic environment.

So was it better in their eyes for there not to be a Divorce — as long as they didn’t have to live in the mess themselves? Because Catholicism, presumably.  And this is the major reason I gave up on Catholicism:  because it always puts ideology ahead of actual people.  I have only ever met exactly one Catholic priest in my life who put people ahead of ideology, and I’ve met an awful lot more who didn’t.

The Church brainwashed our mother to do the same thing:  if she hadn’t been Catholic, she would probably have had the medically recommended hysterectomy after her fourth child, and presumably my sister would have her wish:  a family that doesn’t include me.

Well, she more-or-less has that now, and I hope she is happy about it, and also that she chokes on it.

Mom chose ideology over what was better for her and her family.  And it eventually helped to destroy that family. My sister has chosen to cling to her grudge against my existence — rather than as an adult, re-examine the situation, work through the unresolved trauma and pain, and recognize the lies for what they were:  a way to scapegoat me, and protect Mom, and later Susan, from having to take responsibility for their own actions.

I wonder if she ever wonders how it feels to have someone begrudge the fact that you even exist.

How it feels to be deliberately not included in your own family.

What does all that have to do with the impeachment? Not a lot, necessarily, other than the shape of the current situation.

Oh, and that the continued and unwavering support for Trump & the GOP that we see in the polls tells me that about 1/3 of our population has some degree of mental health issues or unresolved trauma.

Anyone who can look at the mess that is Trump & the GOP and think, “That’s fine, that’s normal” and cheer them on — rather than recoiling at the unhealthy performances being put on in order to protect a man who is clearly a narcissist — has some issues of their own.

But mainly, it’s the sight of hysterical, toxic behavior to cover up and excuse previous toxic behavior.  And no hope of anyone ever changing.

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Well No Wonder

From “Unfuck Your Brain” by Faith G. Harper

“Human beings are hardwired for relationships.  We need the stability of relationships in order to be well… We live communally not because we are overcrowded but because we have to do it to survive. So with that comes the need for emotional safety. We need to feel secure and supported in our relationships with other people.  We need to have a good idea of what to expect. We need to feel loved… This is about our fundamental human need to feel supported by others in the world.

“We need to know that we are safe with the people we love, that they love us back, and that they are not going to hurt us, at least not intentionally.

“The anger that kicks us in the ass for the longest is when that contract gets broken.”

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Parallels

Dear Polly,

I have a very severe allergy to mushrooms. I carry an EpiPen, and I have been hospitalized multiple times because of exposure to this food. One time, I began convulsing in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. My husband politely explained this to his parents when we started dating, and I was invited to family meals.

Since then, most meals we have shared at my in-laws’ house have had very limited options for me. Somehow, they manage to find a way to add mushrooms to almost everything. One time, they made a point to make a special plate of mushrooms and pass it around. My mother-in-law said, very rudely, “I would’ve liked to add mushrooms directly to the salad, but SOMEBODY has problems with it!” They even added mushroom powder to the mashed potatoes at one holiday dinner. My mother-in-law claimed it was a new recipe she’d found…

[So, she’s asked them to do something, because it’s a problem for her, and they’ve refused to do anything about it, and it’s clearly all her fault. Check.]

This has caused a huge wedge between my husband’s family and us. We no longer spend holidays with them and rarely speak. They don’t get to see their grandkids, even though they live very close by. His sister stopped talking to us. He has a brother who still reaches out and is kind to us, but he acts as though his parents are just set in their ways and we should forgive them and move on.

My husband supports me 100 percent, and he is very angry and hurt by their actions. But at times I feel terrible that I am the cause of this rift, and I just want a happy family.

HELP!

Disrespected Daughter-in-Law

Dear DDIL,

You’re not the cause of this rift. The cause of this rift is TRULY TERRIBLE HUMAN BEINGS.

Every now and then, a group of people assumes the traits and behaviors of sociopaths. Maybe one person in the group completely and permanently lost their doughnuts several decades prior, and slowly, each member of the group learns that playing along with this singular menace is the only way to survive. Eventually, the members of the group are so utterly confused and gaslit by each other that they enforce the will of the group and nod along with bizarre opinions …

Because these people are confused and weak and angry — and because they’re rendered increasingly more confused, weak, and angry by their exposure to each other — they tend to have less and less contact with those outside the group. And when they do encounter someone who’s not in the fold, they recoil and attack. Anyone who questions the group is attacked with words and actions. Anyone who questions the group is bad, and the group is good.

This rift has nothing to do with you. You could be the purest, most perfect, most lovable human alive, and these resoundingly toxic humans would find a reason to take issue with you. They are unwell, full stop.

But have these humans ever indicated that they’re open to new information …? Have you seen any signs that they’re heartbroken over this turn of events and they want to find a way to mend fences? If not, it’s hard to see why they’d suddenly wake up and look for understanding now.

Even so, I would get a doctor’s letter. I would send the letter. But I might also solicit a letter from a therapist, explaining that no matter what mitigating circumstances they might ascribe to their behavior, they’ve done a lot of damage to their relationship with their son and with you, and a large effort, either individually or as a group, will be necessary to fix that damage.

I guess that, personally, I’d want to be crystal clear with them before I disappeared for good. But honestly, that’s one of my flaws. Even when the writing’s on the wall, I want to explain everything. I want to believe that people can change… and all of the confusion and bewilderment that stands in the way of those connections needs to be cleared away or at least tolerated, even when that takes a lot of hard work and a lot of forgiveness and a lot of deep breathing on everyone’s parts.

Your situation challenges this view. Your situation points to the fact that some people are at once so ignorant and so disordered that they cannot understand or navigate reality without hurting other people in the process.

Sometimes people are just unwell. There’s nothing you can do but pity them and keep your distance. It’s pretty awful when you’re related to them. But these motherfuckers are unrepentant. They’re angry, and they want to punish SOMEONE. God only knows what brought them to this, but your only recourse is to stay the fuck away.

And honestly, I’m sure that once you two are officially given up for dead, they’ll find another easy scapegoat and that member of the family will defect, too. That seems inevitable. That’s just what happens in the Upside Down.

It’s very sad. Mourn it. Go see a therapist and encourage your husband to see one, too. This is a hard thing to accept. It’s going to take time.

But don’t ever be tempted to believe that you’re doing something wrong here. This is not on you. This is their abject madness, and it’s up to them to grapple with it. It has nothing to do with you. Let go of this and move forward.

We don’t all get the families we want… If they were abusive or violent, it would be simpler. They’re the worst because they still get to think that this [family rift] is just your little hang-up. They’re the worst because they think it’s completely normal to rage at you for [calling out their bad behavior] … They’re the worst because they get to walk around acting like they’re regular, good-hearted people most of the time…

…put them behind you and don’t look back.

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Family Estrangement

I’ve been coming across lots of pertinent things lately.  These are some interesting notes from this article that a friend sent to me about family estrangement.

“For me, as for most people, it took an exchange so toxic, so far outside the boundaries of what’s acceptable, that something snapped inside me.

“…my only regret is that I didn’t do it earlier. Much, much earlier.

“The cultural narrative around estrangement is that it’s a problem that needs to be solved. We see and feel the supremacy of the genetically connected family in a thousand ways throughout childhood. By the time we’re adults it literally goes without saying…

“For us, estrangement isn’t a problem; it’s a solution to a problem, a response to an otherwise unsolvable dilemma. It’s a last resort when you’ve tried everything else over and over, when you no longer trust the relationship. When — as Ann Landers once wrote — you’re better off without the other person in your life.

“I’ve interviewed more than 50 people who have estranged themselves from family members, and I have yet to meet a single one who regrets it. They regret whatever situation made it necessary. They regret not having a parent/sibling/family member they could come to terms with. They regret that their problems were severe enough to make estrangement look good. But they don’t regret doing it.

“More than three-quarters of the participants in one study felt estrangement had made a positive difference in their lives. One woman I talked to who initiated an estrangement said her main feeling was relief, even liberation. Another told me it was as though she’d lived under a cloak of silence that had suddenly been lifted. A third said, “There really are cases where estrangement is the better course. It’s horrific, it’s sad, it’s tragic, and it’s better than the alternative.”

“It’s also a lot more common than you might think…The most recent research suggests that up to 10 percent of mothers are estranged from at least one adult child…

Fascinating side notes from this paper: some suggestion that the lack of a loving relationship between my mother and me was far outside the norm, and probably caused or at least exacerbated by factors outside my control.

  • the mother–daughter tie has generally been found to be the closest, most enduring, and mutually supportive of all parent–child gender combinations.
  • mothers report being most emotionally close to last-born children.
  • parent–child relations tend to be more stable when both parents are present
  • maternal depression has been shown to interfere with parent–child relationships
  • mothers who have a larger number of children may be more likely to have an estranged child simply because the risk of having a child become estranged is greater as the size of the group increases.

“…and that about 40 percent of people experience family estrangement at some point. Most people, though, fall somewhere less definitive on the estrangement continuum, a term coined by Scharp, one of the few researchers who studies the phenomenon…“I find that people are just more or less estranged.”

Some families talk by phone but never visit. Some email but never talk. Some see each other once or twice a year but keep their relationships superficial. Many sustain long periods of silence punctuated by brief reconciliations.

In my case, what I did was put words to a situation that already existed, and eventually I escalated and formalized the estrangement when they refused to deal with it or even admit it.

I forced them to make a choice, and admit to an unpleasant reality:
Prove to me that I’m really a member of this family. Listen to me and defend me against this unacceptable behavior — the way you defend everyone else who’s really included in this group — or not.

Clearly, they chose not to.

They literally could not do otherwise.  They could not show me respect, love, or support against an in-law’s disrespectful behavior, and then a brother’s.
Not even the level you might extend to a stranger.  To them, I am less worthy of those things than a stranger.

It was far easier to judge me, instead of judging one of their own.
Instead they chose to scapegoat me again, to say it was my fault for putting the choice out there — when it was the actions of others against me that brought it out in the open — and then my fault for no longer accepting my scapegoat role.

What makes my situation different from those described here, though, is that I didn’t choose the estrangement.  I was estranged by them from the very beginning.  Thus the difficulty I had, the pain and the loss I dealt with, in grappling with the fact that I wasn’t a “member of the tribe”, and never had been.

What I am guilty of is wanting a family, wanting my birthright — when that “family” made it clear so many times and so many little ways over so many years, such that when the big thing happened, I was supposed to have known better than to even ask.

“In my experience, estrangement makes people deeply uncomfortable. They wonder what’s wrong with you when you can’t get along with your family. They worry that if you can estrange yourself, maybe their parents/children/siblings could do that to them. Estrangement seems to threaten the primal order of things and opens the door to a lot of questions most of us would rather not think about…

“Imagine for a moment that these people have good reasons” to be estranged, says Scharp.”