From this recent article on family estrangement. All the things I experienced, and all the conditions I put on any kind of reconciliation — all in one neat, brief little package.
“To heal or to prevent broken ties requires similar types of effort. Given what we know about why adult children walk away—namely: lack of acknowledgment about a past hurt or trauma, lack of acceptance, and toxic behaviors like judgment and control—we can try to reverse-engineer these behaviors by doing the opposite: Acknowledge and apologize for past hurts and traumas. Even if you were not the person that directly inflicted the trauma, sometimes your denial of someone else’s wrongdoing is just as painful. Or it’s possible that you don’t think you’ve inflicted trauma, but your loved one sees it that way… denial of what the other person feels deeply to be true is a sure way to build the estrangement wall higher. A simple acknowledgment of their experience, without being defensive, can bring the most powerful catharsis. Accept the person just as they are. Nobody is perfect, and most of us are far from it. There are also lots of reasonable disagreements between reasonable people about the right and wrong ways to live. So, between all this ambiguity and human frailty,
Ask yourself: What do I want more—for this person to conform to my standards, or for this person to be in my life?
[Guess I have the answer to THAT one.]
Make your best efforts to demonstrate that you’re willing to listen and learn, even if you can’t completely change your worldview overnight. Change behaviors that your loved one finds toxic. … be open and non-defensive if your loved one tells you that your behavior hurt them… show that you’re open to change, because opportunities for reconciliation don’t last forever.