Which one?
Had a FB convo recently that started off with one member of the group talking about how, as a baby, according to the advice of the “experts” of the day, she had been left in her crib to cry — so she could learn “discipline” FFS — which has led to her having abandonment issues.
A second woman chimed in with this story:
My mother was in the hospital in an oxygen tent for the first 5-6 weeks after my premature birth, with spinal meningitis, so I was home with an incompetent, elderly, agency baby sitter who had to chase after my two older brothers, aged barely 3 and 1.5 yrs old! So I spent most of my time in the crib and I REALLY had abandonment issues!
I am guessing that my early infancy was much the same, unfortunately, as far as the lack of attention goes. “You had diaper rash so bad that your butt was bleeding,” was one of the few things my father ever told me about that time. Continue reading “Which one?”
Three Strikes
“…I talk a lot about fighting back in The Asshole Survival Guide. There are three factors that especially predict how successful you will be at stopping or bringing down a bully. The first, and perhaps most obvious, is whether you—or them— have more formal power (the more powerful they are, the tougher it will be to win). The second is whether you are fighting back alone or with others, the more allies you have, the more likely you are to win because it is harder to portray you as a lone nut and you also have more power (even against a boss or other powerful person). The third is documentation; keep notes, emails, and social media posts, anything that provides objective evidence that you and your colleagues are in fact being bullied.”
I found out I have no formal power in my own family of origin.
I also found out I was alone in that “family”.
I am the “lone nut”, the scapegoat, the outsider, and as such I am not to be believed, let alone defended. In some eyes, I am not even supposed to exist, not supposed to take up physical space, be noticed, be cared about. (With the notable exception of being noticed for what I fail to do correctly, i.e. being criticized.)
And there was no documentation – the incident that started the whole thing, or rather brought it into the light, was deliberately engineered to have no witnesses, other than my husband and a brother who also has little formal power.
No wonder it all turned out the way it has.
A related article shows that there weren’t too many other options.
The powerful bully
Who they are: The engineer with hard-to-replace skills whose creepy overtures get overlooked. The rainmaking dealmaker whose boorish behavior goes unpunished. Whether they’re explicitly in charge or simply influential, too many organizations look the other way when top performers or top bosses behave badly. Sutton points to Roger Ailes — the powerful Fox News chief who left the media empire amid a swirl of sexual harassment allegations. “Going to HR didn’t seem to help anyone for years,” he says.
What to do: Tread carefully. “You’re fighting the cool kids,” Sutton says. In such cases, getting out is really often the best advice — especially if the behavior goes beyond milder incivilities. “This is one when you often leave, or when you hide, or when you lie in wait until their power diminishes,” Sutton said.
Imaginary Friends
Why do kids create imaginary friends?
According to Kimberly Eckert, a registered psychologist in Calgary, children often create playmates just to engage in imaginative play (the way another child might play with action figures), but sometimes they do so when bored or lonely. An imaginary friend can also be used as a form of self-soothing during a big transition, such as adjusting to a new home or sibling.
According to Marjorie Taylor and her colleagues at the University of Oregon, by age seven, about 37% of children take imaginative play a step farther and create an invisible friend.
It seems logical that children who invent invisible friends might be lonely or have social problems, but research doesn’t support those assumptions. In fact, compared to those who don’t create them, children with imaginary companions (either invisible friends or personified objects) tend to be less shy, engage in more laughing and smiling with peers, and do better at tasks involving imagining how someone else might think.
Oldest children, only children, and children who don’t watch much television are more likely to create an imaginary friend. This probably reflects opportunity. Children need unstructured time alone to be able to invent imaginary friends.
Having an imaginary friend is not evidence that a child is troubled. However, imaginary friends can be a source of comfort when a child is experiencing difficulties. There are many case studies of children inventing imaginary friends to help them cope with traumatic experiences.
Imaginary friends used to be a cause for concern, but research is finding that kids with elaborate tales of friends who aren’t really there are getting ahead in learning and social development. So what makes children who dream up pretend playmates so advanced?
In the days of Dr. Spock, imaginary friends were seen as a symptom of social problems. If your child was spending her time talking to thin air, prevailing wisdom said she probably needed more attention and company. Seen as a way to deal with loneliness, stress, or conflict, imaginary friends had a bad rep for most of the 20th century.
But the tables have turned, with psychologists touting pretend friends as boosters for language and social skills. Last year a study from La Trobe University in Melbourne found that three to six-year-olds with imaginary friends were more creative and socially advanced. Earlier studies had shown that kids with imaginary pals use more complex sentence structure, have richer vocabularies, and get along better with classmates.
Imaginary companions are much more common than people might think. Up to two-thirds of children have them, typically between the ages of 3 and 8 (although there are accounts of teenagers who retain them from childhood or who first develop them as teens).
Historically, many researchers and parents thought that imaginary companions were harmful or evil, and were a sign of a social deficit, demonic possession, or mental illness.
Small, statistically significant differences between kids with and without imaginary companions do arise, however, and they tend to be positive, says Taylor. For example, children with these pretend pals tend to have a slightly larger vocabulary, are less shy, and are good at understanding the perspective of others.
The way researchers used to view imaginary friends has undergone a nearly complete reversal since the early 1990s. Until then, the consensus among child psychologists was that children with imaginary friends were troubled introverts who, the more they indulged their fantasies, were more likely to need professional help.
As a result of this work, a new profile of children with imaginary companions has emerged: They are more socially skilled, they perform better on tests of verbal skills and, perhaps not surprisingly, they are more creative than children who do not have imaginary friends. What’s more, these benefits do not end in childhood.
Take all the most creative people you know, says Jonathan Plucker, a creativity researcher at the University of Connecticut who is researching how people, especially students, communicate their creativity to others. It doesn’t matter if they are artists or engineers or entrepreneurs. Now look for common denominators among them. What you are most likely to find if you do some digging is that they had an imaginary friend in childhood.
“It pops up almost whenever it’s asked. Creative people say, ‘Oh yeah, that was me,’” Plucker says.
Today, they can say it with pride, not fear of stigma.
“They thought these children were weird,” says Taylor, head of the Imagination Research Lab at the University of Oregon. “Maybe smart, but socially troubled or shy or whatever. And all that is completely wrong.”
In was not until the 1990s that a new view emerged: that children with imaginary friends were actually exploring a form of play with a high degree of creativity.
In a study published in the Creativity Research Journal in 2005, researchers found that children who had imaginary companions were more creative than their imaginary-friendless peers.
And in 2010, Evan Kidd, a researcher at Australian National University, and colleagues found that adults who had imaginary friends as children scored higher on creativity tests than those who did not.
Children who have imaginary friends are not typically loners. They don’t have issues with making or keeping friends. Parents should see imaginary friends not as a replacement for real friends, but as a sign of a child’s resourcefulness. A child with an imaginary friend is a child who has found a way to cope with feelings and problems.
Children have two different ways of relating to imaginary friends. Children may have hierarchical relationships or egalitarian relationships with their imaginary friends. In a hierarchical relationship, one friend in the relationship is dominant, more powerful. In the egalitarian relationship, the imaginary friend and the child are on equal footing.
In the hierarchical relationship, an imaginary friend may boss the child around or direct him to a good hiding place. In other cases, the imaginary friend is under the child’s command, and must serve the child’s wishes. Imagine what a comfort this is to a child who is bossed around by her peers in real life! Finally, she gets to tell someone else what to do and get that friend to obey.
Children aged 3-6 with imaginary friends, are, in general, both more creative and more advanced in their social skills. They have larger vocabularies, use more complex sentence structures, and get along better with their real life friends.
We can use that imagination to think about the future or to solve problems. For children, an imaginary friend can be a guide or a comfort or a way to understand things. The imaginary friend is there by command when the child is bored or lonely, and has no one to play with. An imaginary friend can soften a difficult or stress-filled time, for instance, when the child is adjusting to a new baby brother or even a new home.
One of the great things about imaginary friends is that they are always available. Big sister doesn’t want to play? Imaginary friend to the rescue.
The imaginary friend is forgiving. Children can yell at imaginary friends. They’ll still be your (imaginary) friends.
A child wants to imagine the sky to be green and the grass blue? The imaginary friend is right there with the child to imagine it and “live” it, and most of all, laugh about it. No one has to know about the color switch, which makes it safe. No one will laugh at the child for being creative at play.
I can remember one morning at breakfast telling my mom and my two older brothers about a dream I had the night before. Since Mom was still in the house I must have been around 4 or 5YO, 6 at most. In the dream there was a giant green pig with no legs running down the street. I think it was the older brother who scoffed and said, “How could a pig with no legs be running?”
Of course my mother didn’t defend me, or chastise my brothers for laughing at me. Narcissists don’t build family ties. They prefer to divide and conquer.
After that, I stopped talking about my dreams because it felt so bad to be made fun of and laughed at. Because of that incident, I also stopped talking about any scary dreams I had — instead of getting comforted by my family, I figured I’d just have to deal with them myself.
In fact, I tried to stop dreaming at all. I changed my before-bedtime prayers to include these words:
“God, please don’t let me dream about anything stupid or scary or silly.”
I still don’t often remember my dreams.
Needless to say, I had an imaginary friend as a kid, and I got made fun of for that, too.
A list of some of the many things imaginary friends can do:
- Provide companionship
- Give the child a chance to try different ways of doing things
- Allow the child to play in a more creative way
- Offer a safe place to practice people skills
- Permit children to test out strong emotions like anger and fear, in safety and in private
- Let the child be the one in charge, the boss, when the child may be feeling powerless or vulnerable in real life
- Empower the child to experience a rich internal private life that is safe from others’ eyes
- Grant comfort when a child is stressed out by being there with unconditional (if imagined) love and acceptance
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/05/parents-relax-imaginary-friends-are-a-totally-normal-part-of-being-a-kid.html
In other words, for concerned parents who might want to see it spelled out: An imaginary friend is nothing to worry about. First of all, they’re incredibly common — by some estimates, 65 percent of kids have had an imaginary friend by age 7. And kids know they aren’t real; researchers today believe these made-up companions aren’t an indication of loneliness or a deficit of social skills so much as they are a normal way for kids to exercise their imaginations.
And past research has shown that kids who create imaginary friends may even enjoy some cognitive and emotional benefits. “In a lot of ways they’re really similar, but when we do find differences, they tend to show an advantage for kids who have imaginary friends,” says University of Oregon psychologist Marjorie Taylor, the author of Imaginary Companions and the Children Who Create Them. “They’re sociable kids, they’re less shy than other children. There are some studies that show they have enhanced social understanding — they’re better able to take the perspective of someone else in real life.” (It bears noting that these links are correlations, not causations — scientists don’t know if kids who already have these traits are then more likely to create imaginary friends, or if the act of having an imaginary friend in turn spurs the development of certain skills.)
Old Home is Good Bread
It’s funny what can trigger a memory. A friend on FB today posted a few lyrics from the song “Convoy”, and I was immediately taken back 40 years.
Listen, you wanna put that Microbus in behind that suicide jockey? Yeah, he’s haulin’ dynamite, and he needs all the help he can get.
The singer of “Convoy”, C. W. McCall, is a man named Bill Fries in real life. He did commercials for Old Home bread, which is what actually launched his recording career. (I also found out today that they must have licensed the concept out — another friend saw slightly altered versions as commercials for “Kern’s Bread” in Kentucky.)
Old Home was a brand name for Metz Baking Company, which is where my dad worked. It was around 1974, so I was only 5 or so, but I can remember Dad and us younger kids going to watch a commercial being filmed once. It was summer, and hot, so we were out of school. I think I already had my glasses, so it was probably the summer after kindergarten for me.
My memories are bolstered by later seeing the pictures we had in the photo album: we got to sit in the cab of the truck, and we met C.W. McCall and Mavis, and the mother, and the dog Sloan.
I do remember I got a really nice, warm, cushy hug from the mother, and she held me on her lap for a while. I’m guessing I remember that because it was a rare thing for me to get such physical affection from a motherly figure.
I can also remember that Sloan the dog was supposed to eat a whole package of buns and try as they might, he wouldn’t finish the whole thing. After two or three packages of buns it became clear that this was a losing battle, as the dog was getting more full with each attempt.
You can view all 12 original commercials here. None of these spots seem to exactly fit what I remember. There isn’t one that has the mother AND the dog at the cafe. #10 is the closest one – at least the dog is eating a bun – but I don’t remember the poodle being there, and the mother isn’t in it.
But they could have been shooting footage for more than one commercial. I think the cafe itself was real — or at least the disused building was real — and out in the middle of nowhere. I also read one comment on youtube that said the two main actors were from Dallas. So it would make sense to film as much as possible in one day, for later use. By commercial #10 it was clear that the series was a winner, so the whole story arc would probably have been fleshed out by then, and they would have had an idea what scenes they would be needing.
Just a funny little part of my childhood with my dad. Part of my reality, my history. This was my Dad being a parent as well as an executive, taking his kids along to something fun because he had the chance to, like any normal parent would do. Giving Mom a break, a day away from the kids, even.
The Triumvirate version says Dad was “brainwashing” us younger kids with fun things, so we would take his side in The Divorce.
It takes a special kind of bitter vitriol to twist normal parenting into a brainwashing campaign, but you can’t say it’s not creative.
Another New Phrase – Disenfranchised Grief
“Disenfranchised grief” is when your heart is grieving but you can’t talk about or share your pain with others because it is considered unacceptable to others. It’s when you’re sad and miserable and the world doesn’t think you should be, either because you’re not “entitled” or because it isn’t “worth it.”
Your relationship was real, but the family (or members of society) would not or does not approve.
Slight twist on this one. My side of the relationship to my siblings was real. I tried for decades to fit, to be accepted, to do the things they wanted me to do.
It was when I needed them to do something for me, in return, that it all fell apart. And I realized how one-sided the relationship had been, and that I had never really been accepted as a real member of the club (at least not by my sister, who now runs the show).
I am grieving something that I wanted so badly, but which did not really exist.
You aren’t grieving how people expect.
This can happen when the way you are acting in your grief is unsettling or confusing to someone else. If you are “too upset” (Dad’s death) or “not upset enough” (Mom’s death)…
If you’re experiencing any of the above (or something similar), you need to know that you are entitled to your grief. Nobody has the right to take away your grief, and it is their failing — not yours — that makes your grief “unacceptable.”
Disenfranchised grief happens because your love and care for the object of your grief isn’t recognized…
And in certain situations you may be right — not the part about it being your fault (because it isn’t!) — but because there are certain situations where people try to turn their own pain and anguish outward at the nearest convenient target. Or they’re just super-judgmental people.
In any event, it is not your fault — it’s not like any of us can control who or what we care about — and you have a right to your grief, your style of grief or your reason for grief for one reason: because you are grieving.
It is also your right to be comforted, affirmed and validated.
It’s especially painful when… you are the only one in the family experiencing the deep loss.
Tattletale
This morning at about 5:30 am, the cat woke me up because his timed feeder failed to open. So I took care of that and then went back to bed. At which point a memory surfaced.
I felt an ache in my left leg, and the term “charley horse” came to my mind. What followed that was an immediate association with my two youngest brothers.
And from there came this forgotten memory, of going to my mother, possibly crying, because one of my brothers had given me a “charley horse” when we were “playing”. There could have been a trick played on me, as in, “Do you want a charley horse?” when I didn’t know what one was, so I would say yes.
So if my mother was in the house, I would have been younger than 6. My gut feeling is that I was around 4, which would put my brothers at 7 and 11. And my sense is that this happened in the afternoon, maybe after school for them. I want to say that it happened outside, and I don’t remember a coat, so it was probably warm weather.
Anyway, I went looking for my mother and found her, lying in bed, and my view is that of being about level with her back, which was turned towards me as she lay on her side. I can see her aqua colored housecoat. She doesn’t turn over to look at me, let alone hug me or show concern. She doesn’t even move.
And when I complain to her uncaring back about the physical harm my bigger, older, stronger brother did to me, what I was told may not have been in these exact words — but the meaning I clearly get, the words in my head now are,
“No one likes a tattletale.”
This is how my mother apparently dealt with me being deliberately physically harmed, at the age of around 4 or 5.
It puts the blame on me for having bothered her with my problem, my pain and distress.
It makes it clear that she isn’t going to do anything about it.
It contains the threat that “people aren’t going to like you” (which she continued to use on me throughout high school).
I now know that what was meant in all those cases — what she was really saying, but couldn’t say aloud — was “I don’t like you.”
And finally, it fits the familiar pattern: I ask for help of some kind, and I get told in no uncertain terms that I’m not going to get what I ask for.
(Of course, you mustn’t think that this shows my mother being NEGLECTFUL. I have it on good authority that she’d have had to be going to a BAR and leaving the kids in the CAR, for it to be NEGLECT.)
So. My recourse at that age is going to be one of two things:
- go and tell Dad, and try to get some help – although I am certain he wasn’t home, or I would have gone to him in the first place;
- or, with the threat of not being liked hanging over my head, which maybe also prevents me from going to Dad, because of the fear of losing the one person I can trust and count on in the entire world — (which coincidentally would expose her complete lack of care and concern to him, the one person she has most to fear from if she is found out) — I can retreat and stay away from my brothers.
This works for the narcissist on quite a few levels. They like to keep their audience from communicating with each other — it makes it so much easier for them not to be found out.
My mother’s reaction makes me wonder if there is also an association with the incident at my kindergarten Open House, in the fall of ’74, when I became the “big mouth” — blamed by my mother for having spoken truthfully about my family when I was asked.
If she decided that I was to blame then for speaking the truth, it is not a stretch from there to being called a “tattletale” for speaking up about physical abuse from my brothers.
There were other incidents of physical harm that revolve around them.
Once I was playing with my brothers in the back yard, and for whatever reason was running behind the garage. I tripped (or was tripped?) and fell on some glass from a broken window. My wrist was slashed open vertically — the way you’re supposed to do it if you’re serious about bleeding out — and I ended up with 9 stitches and three still-visible scars.
Another time, my second-youngest brother was cleaning a BB gun in the basement, on a big old metal desk we had down there. I think all three of us younger kids were there. I was drawing or writing on one end of the desk, and my brother was cleaning the gun at the other end — with it pointed at me. At some point the gun went off, and I have a middle finger that I still can’t feel the tip of. My brother claimed he thought it was unloaded, and that it went off when he opened it. I have my doubts that that is how a BB gun works.
My youngest brother had a definite streak of cruelty. After the divorce, when we had babysitters in the summer months, we had one who had a 5YO daughter whom she brought with her every day (with red hair, too). I had no interest in playing with her, so I must have been several years older than 5; the divorce was finalized when I was 7.5 so I had to be older than 8, which puts my brother at older than 11. Certainly old enough to know that you aren’t supposed to deliberately hurt other people.
He concocted this “game” where he would call her by name, and she would come running into the living room, and then he would hit her with a pillow hard enough to knock her down.
After a while she got smart enough to not respond to his call, so he invited me into the game and got ME to call her name, in order to prolong his fun. I think I only did it once or twice and then refused to “play” any more. That poor little girl was crying and she went to tell her mother, but I don’t think she was able to explain what was happening and besides, I am sure my brother said we were just playing with the pillows and she fell down, or something.
Funnily enough, once I stopped trying to play with my older brothers, I can’t remember any similar incidents that involved physical injury.
I’m sure this will be called paranoia by those who have a vested interest in making sure it is seen that way.
Or is it the willful inflicting of pain on another person — one who is already known to be the scapegoat, at least when Mom is home — by a couple of boys who are in pain themselves, and don’t have any other way to express it? Because of course boys don’t get sad and cry. Boys get angry, and then physically violent. And the scapegoat gets the brunt of it.
Honoring Sadness
One of several good articles from Dr. Cloud that I found today:
“Sadness… tells us about hurt and loss. We live in a world where we get hurt and lose things. We need it to help us grieve and let go. If we repress and deny sadness, there is inevitable depression. Unresolved sadness always leads to depression and often other symptoms.
“…sadness says that there is a hurt of some kind that needs to be processed, and usually it involves a loss.
“When people deny their sad feelings, they “harden” the heart, and that is to lose touch with tender grace-giving aspects of who they are. They become unable to love and be tender, and to feel grief over their wrongdoings. This state leads then to become insensitive persons. In addition, it leads to all sort of symptoms – depressions, physiological problems, substance abuse, eating disorders, and the inability to get close to others.
“Whenever trauma is not worked through, the development stage present at that age gets affected.
In particular, I think this speaks to the trauma of The Divorce — or in my case, the trauma of my parents’ adversarial relationship during my first few years. For me, The Divorce was an end to THAT trauma, of living with a mother who didn’t give much of a shit about me, and of my parents fighting and yelling at each other all the time.
“When we lose our ability to feel sad, we lose our tenderness. It is a major aspect of ourselves that must be protected at all costs. If we can’t feel sad, we get coldhearted. Sadness does not equal weakness. Rather, processing sadness leads to strength.”
Yet Again, There’s A Name For It
Notes from here about “functional dependency” and “relational dependency”.
“Two kinds of dependency… Functional dependency relates to the child’s resistance to doing the tasks and jobs in life that are his responsibility. This means he wants others to take care of things he should… Don’t enable functional dependency.”
“Relational dependency is our need for connectedness to others… when we are loved by others in this state of need, we are filled up inside. Because they need so much, children are especially relationally dependent. Over time, as they internalize important nurturing relationships, they need less; the love they have internalized from Mom and Dad and others sustains them. Yet, to our dying day we will always need regular and deep connection with emotionally healthy people who care about us.
“You need to promote and encourage relational dependency in your child to teach him that mature, healthy people need other people; they don’t isolate themselves… Help him see that needing love isn’t being immature. Rather, it gives us the energy we need to go out and slay our dragons.
“Encourage him to express his wants, needs and opinions to those with whom he is close. This is true especially in his relationship with you. He didn’t choose to be in your family; that was your decision… don’t abandon him when he needs more intimacy…”
I’ll go out on a limb here and suggest that my mother had functional dependency that was enabled by her use of her children, especially her oldest child, to take on her responsibilities.
“…resistance to doing the tasks and jobs in life that are his responsibility. This means he wants others to take care of things he should.”
I don’t know how her unhealthy functional dependency got started – maybe because she came from a large family of sisters and she didn’t have too much responsibility. But that’s just a guess.
I certainly didn’t choose to be born — no one does. My mom chose not to use birth control, instead putting faith in god and a lack of sex to prevent further children. That failed, and she got saddled with yet another burden, a workload that she had no interest in.
As a child, I had normal relational dependency. I didn’t get “filled up” by Mom. I got some of this love from Dad, but it didn’t completely fill up the hole left by my mother’s neglect and rejection.
So I probably looked for it from the other adults in my life: my older siblings. One more of my mother’s jobs for them to assume, in fact. No wonder my sister resents my very existence. But that resentment is misdirected.
It’s normal for me to want or miss the connection with the people who once filled this need. But they are no longer “emotionally healthy people who care about [me]”.
An Outsider’s View
“The real problem is rural America doesn’t understand the causes of their own situations and fears and they have shown no interest in finding out. They don’t want to know why they feel the way they do or why they are struggling because they don’t want to admit it is in large part because of choices they’ve made and horrible things they’ve allowed themselves to believe…
“Systems built on a fundamentalist framework are not conducive to introspection, questioning, learning, change. When you have a belief system that is built on fundamentalism, it isn’t open to outside criticism, especially by anyone not a member of your tribe and in a position of power.
“…will NEVER listen to anyone outside their bubble… if you are viewed as an outsider, your views are automatically discounted…
“… any information that contradicts their entrenched beliefs, no matter how sound, how unquestionable, how obvious, they WILL NOT even entertain the possibility it might be true. Their refusal is a result of the nature of their fundamentalist belief system and the fact I’m the enemy…”
“…any change must come from within. Internal change in these systems does happen, but it happens infrequently and it always lags far behind reality. This is why they fear change so much. They aren’t used to it.
“…Without built-in protective functions like critical analysis, self-reflection, openness to counter-evidence, willingness to re-evaluate any and all beliefs, etc., bad information in a closed-off system ends up doing massive damage in a short period of time.
“…When someone doesn’t trust you and isn’t open to anything not already accepted as true in their belief system, there really isn’t much, if anything you can do… no amount of understanding, no amount of respect, no amount of evidence is going to change their minds, assuage their fears.
“Of course, it didn’t help matters there were scapegoats available they could direct their fears, anger, and white supremacy towards… Why reevaluate your beliefs… when scapegoats are available?
From this article about politics, of course, but it applies to my FOO as well.
Their brand of fundamentalism is a combination of Catholicism, Mary/mother-worship, and blame-shifting.
I am the outsider, the convenient scapegoat who can be blamed for the problems; whose views, evidence, and explanations can be easily ignored; whose existence means they don’t have to think too much or feel too bad about what they did or allowed to happen.
Others put bad information — lies about me — into this closed system, those horrible things were unquestioningly believed, and it did a lot of damage.